Being a mom is hard. There is no more rewarding job in the world, I believe, but there is also no other job in the world that will put you through such a mental, spiritual, and emotional "wringer". I love my life, I do. I don't want to do anything else. But sometimes your children will do things that just plain baffle and mortify you. This has been one of those weeks! The first few days of first grade went horribly wrong, and Joe is a yo-yo at home without his brother. I couldn't answer the phone when Stephen's teacher called, my husband had to because I was on the verge of tears. I cried a lot last night.
But it's worth it. It's worth the pain and humiliation of those first two days to hear Stephen tell me over the phone yesterday, "Mommy, I was good ALL DAY!" and come home with shining rays of self-worth practically shooting out of his fingers and toes. It's worth the battles with Joe to have mornings like this, where I am sitting and blogging while he is drawing pictures and we're listening to "I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more..." three times in a row and he tells me how grateful he is for Bracken and roly-poly bugs and me.
I'm not a perfect mom. I don't believe anyone is, except maybe Anne formerly-of Green Gables, but as my dear friend Cathy pointed out once, she had a Susan! Some Moms come awfully close, and I am lucky to know a few of them. Maybe if I had a Susan, I wouldn't lose my temper, or get irritable, but one of the most important things I have learned from parenting is the ability to apologize. There is nothing wrong with telling your children you are imperfect, and you're sorry. It restores the Spirit in our home, and sometimes I need that pretty badly.
After my surgery, my future is looking so bright that I'm almost afraid of it. I'm afraid to believe I really could be that Mom again, the one that pushes swings and runs through leaves and dances and plays. I'll try, because it's all I've ever wanted, and it's worth it.
Thanks for listening!