July 7, 2013

How to Make a Perfect Burger - By The Geologist

Hello, it's Stephen again.  The Geologist.  It has been awhile since I hijacked April's blog.  As usual, she cannot be held accountable for anything mistspelt, said, or implied in this blog post.  She has not been allowed to alter anything in this post as is the normal condition for my hijacking to occur.

Manliness is found below:

Problems With Burgers:

1. Shrinkage (yikes it's cold!)
2. No seasoning (bleck)
3. Dry (chew, chew, chew)
4. Tastes like cardboard (because it is)

Solutions to Burger Problems:

1. Use the leanest beef you can find and make the patties bigger in diameter than you actually want.  About an extra inch in diameter.  Remember this thingy....
Can't change pi...it's a constant, so we have to change r.  As r changes so does A!  We want our total A (bun size or slightly bigger) to be bigger than the usual A (shrunken), so we need our initial r to be much bigger than our final r.

2. Put lots of seasoning on the burgers before you cook them or continually add seasoning each time you flip them.  The dripping fat will remove a lot of the seasoning as you cook the burger.  If you start with lots of seasoning, there will be enough left over.  If you add as you cook, there will also be enough left over.  I like to add lots of seasoning first because I try not to flip my burgers more than once.  Flipping the burgers more than once results in loss of more of the fat that imparts the flavor (this is sinful and polluted).

3. Thick burgers take longer to cook, which dries them out, so make them thin.  If you are a thick burger person, like me, then make two thin ones instead.  You will be glad you did.  Besides, between two burgers is the perfect home for 3 slices of extremely thick bacon.  NEVER squish the burger with the spatula.  This will remove all of the flavor derived from the fat and you will have a dry burger that has been scorched by ignited burger fat.  Finally, to avoid dryness...(you know that dialogue that begins about halfway through your cooking experience while you watch your burgers cooking, the one that says "hmmm, I wonder if they are done yet?")...the Great Spirit of Grilling will try desperately to tell you to remove the burgers from the grill.  Listen to the Great Spirit, they are DONE!  Overcooking burgers is the most common problem.  Stop worrying about whether they are done or not.  As you worry, they are becoming overdone.  Also, burgers will continue to cook for a bit after you remove them from the heat.
Got this from the butcher.
4. Never buy pre-formed patties.  They are actually cardboard.
So, to cook burgers like they should be cooked, do this:

1. Acquire a spatula that could be used as a weapon during times of war.  Here is mine.  
2. Form patties into thin (1/2 inch) discs between 4 to 5 inches in diameter.

3. Season liberally with seasoned salt, black pepper, and garlic powder or whatever you want! Just make sure some form of salt is used.

4. Cook patties on one side until the burger barely, almost imperceptibly, begins to curl under (concave down) then flip.  This next side will require even less time than the first.  If you want melted cheese, add it here or it will never melt.  

5. Make sure the rest of the meal is ready before you begin grilling.  The burgers must be hot!
For the sake of color, there is a tomato.  Cold tomatoes are of the devil.
You are probably wondering where that amazing bun came from...you shall soon see.

Finally, has anyone noticed how amazingly amazing my amazing wife is?  It truly is amazing how a wife could be so amazingly amazing.  And gorgeous.


  1. haha
    I love it when the Geologist cooks.
    He should give the Toddster lessons.
    The Toddster does not cook.
    He opens cans.
    That is not cooking, contrary to what he believes.
    Canned curry is horrible.
    Likewise canned hotdogs
    Grilled burgers are the best.
    Especially when cooked by a man, and I see you have bacon there. Bacon makes everything better.
    the end

  2. lol! I just laugh at the way Geologist writes - I love it.
    Plus the only meat I eat is chicken but that burger looks amazing!! Yum!

    1. I love it too! I really should make him a monthly contributor, or something. I'm mostly a chicken-itarian too, but I make an exception for a few things, and his burgers are one of them! :) Hey, did you move your blog??


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