Around the house... We are waiting in anxious anticipation... groceries bought, doors and windows latched, wind picking up... Today the high was 58 degrees, but tonight a blizzard is supposed to roll in! The forecast calls for 6-12 inches of snow and blizzard conditions tomorrow... fingers crossed for a snow day tomorrow! That's why I am posting so late in the day, I was out running all my errands for the next few days! We love a good storm. :)
Source: mywalls.net
In the kitchen... Guess what: Thursday is my birthday!! I'll be one year closer to 30, all of 28 ancient years. I swear, I'm still 20 in my head. 18 sometimes... Anyway. I decided to make all my favorite things this week. Things The Geologist hates, or isn't a huge fan of. Things I want to eat. Yum. I'm excited for this week of random food! I'm making a big 'ole birthday cake for myself though... just for fun... so I suppose the rest will have to go to work with him... but I'll enjoy it nonetheless!!
I am thinking... I want to share an experience I had this weekend. A self-image breakthrough. It'll take a bit of explaining, so there won't be many other items on my daybook this week. I read this post by one of my favorite bloggers. And I agreed with everything she says! She talks about loving your body for what it is. Thin, fat, curvy, athletic, short, tall, whatever. I've touched on that here before. But no matter how much my head knows it makes sense, that little body image gremlin in the back of my head brings back the doubt, and the fear, and the guilt. Then I checked out the Pinterest board she mentioned. And as I flipped through these words and images, tears came to my eyes. And suddenly, for the first time in my life, I believed it with my whole heart, and my whole mind.
I was a chubby baby, and a chubby preteen. As soon as the baby fat started officially coming off, at 16 I was diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohns disease. I lost a lot of weight that first year. I was horribly sick, getting IV infusions of medicine every 2 months, in near constant pain, but I was thin. My clothes just hung on me. My parents told me I looked "gaunt", but I didn't care. I loved being thin. As my body started to recover from that first onset, I got back to a healthier weight. But I never regained my energy, strength, or stamina. Up until last year, I "got by" with my disease. I did what I could, went for slow walks, read books while my boys played at parks and my husband hiked with my athletic family. I've been weak, sick, and tired for 11 years. This past summer I had major surgery, and since then have been feeling better than I have since I was 15. It's miraculous, and marvelous, and I love it! But I've also gained weight, and have been hating how my body looks ever since. This new, healing body, that can run, and play, and hike, and explore, and push my kids on swings, and all I care about is that I feel fat. All I can think of is that I still can't fit into the size 6 jeans I've been hanging on to for 7 years. This is silly. I'm working with a personal trainer, I'm gaining muscle (muscle is AWESOME!!!) I'm slowly losing a few inches, I'm getting stronger and healthier! THAT is what matters. Not what size I am, or how much I weigh. Guess what? Gaining muscle doesn't mean dropping 10 pounds in a week. You know what else?? I love food. Surprise!! :) And I shouldn't have to punish myself for what I love. I finally get it. I can love my healthy body. I will never be motivated enough to do Crossfit, or the P90X, and sure, there's a few more inches I want to lose, but for health, and for fun. Not for a certain size of jeans, not for a number on a scale, not so I can feel good about myself around thinner friends and family members. I'm me. I'm a Mom and a Wife who has survived hell more than once. I have scars, and sags, and stretchmarks. I have a body that works for the first time in 11 years. My husband thinks I'm drop dead gorgeous, and I choose to believe him, finally!
Now, this is NOT discounting ANYONE. If exercise makes you happy, and you're ripped as can be, that's AWESOME!! If you would rather watch a movie than go for a run, great!! If you're skinny or curvy or neither and love Oreos, eat those Oreos! I believe in moderation in all things, and in being happy. I am not giving myself permission to quit exercising and eat muffins all day. I'm giving myself permission to quit holding myself to some stupid numerical ideal. I hope this wasn't too soap-boxy for you. I'm just hoping maybe someone else might read this, and finally get it like I did. Just now. After 28 years. Just love yourself. Really.
Source: Heather Anne via Pinterest
Something new about me... There are a few things that I am irrationally picky about. Handwriting, hair, cooking (duh) and clean clothes. My boys must be in clean clothes when we go out in public, my hair must be smooth when it's pulled back, cooking is pretty obvious, but the funniest one is my handwriting obsession. If I make a mistake on my grocery list (or The Geologist writes something on it) I have to rewrite the whole thing. I have to fill out any forms or paperwork that have to do with us as family (or couple) because my handwriting is better. Sometimes he'll write all messy on my list just to make me write a new one! I also love writing with fountain pens, calligraphy pens, and am very picky about my writing utensils. I love to write!
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Hurray!! Glad you are feeling stronger and healthier, and beautiful! You are all of these things and much more!
ReplyDeleteI loved your insight about the body April. I was always thin, even after having had five children. I know . . . amazing. Then when I had my fifth child I quit smoking and had my tubes tied. The quitting smoking was my choice, the other was not. I found myself trapped in a marriage which was one sided and living with a bully who controlled my every move . . . and even took away the possibility I had to have more babies. I always wanted at least ten children . . . not to be. Anyways, to make a long story short I began to put on weight after that for some reason. Probably a mixture of depression and hormones, etc. I have never been able to take the weight off and that is not from lack of trying. I have been on every diet under the sun. For every ten pounds I have lost I have gained back 15. I am fat. I wish I was not. I Love food. I love to cook. Dieting makes me feel like a failure. I decided last year I was not going to do it anymore. End of.
ReplyDeleteI love writing too. My handwriting has gotten deplorable from computer use and so this year I bought some handwriting workbooks and have been using them to improve my handwriting. If you don't use it you will lose it and so I am practicing!
Love you much dear friend. You seem so much older to me than only 28. You are only a few years older than my youngest son. that to me is amazing. xxoo